When you know its over.....

Welcome to the blog.  I want to challenge every woman out there, to ask the question, "Do You Really Want Him Back?"

Your husband left you and you want advice.  If you consult the (rest of the) internet, you will find 90% of the articles are like the following; "How to Get Him Back", Secrets to Bring Him Home, Get Back with Your Ex, and numerous other tips and tricks to bring back the man who left you.

Do you really have to pursue this man, I know you want to, but do you have to?  You are crying everyday, your life is in shambles.  He possibly left you with bills, children and responsibilities that will go unmet.  Why should you want this man back.

Reason's you want your husband back;

• Your lonely
• You miss the intimacy
• You need his support
• You need his money
• You love him

Do these sound familiar?  Is that enough to try to get him back.  I don't think so.
Let's explore why.

First, why did he leave initially?

That may seem like an important question, at first. This question gets are problems solving instincts in gear.

"Whatever it is, I can fix it"

The only problem is that the question is the least important issue at hand AND your response is the most important issue YOU need to start with.

For more insight on how to curb your desire to fix everything please read my e-book;

     

The Most Important Step in Reconciliation with Your Husband

There are a number of steps you can take in order to get your life back on track following a break up.  Some are more important than others.  The following excerpt from my book Do You Really Want Him Back details the MOST important step and why you can't move on without it.

Step 2.  The ListIt's time to take an honest assessment of what you stand to lose or gain by your husband coming back.  Do you realize that there can actually be a benefit if he stays gone?  Write a list of everything that you disliked about your husband.  Start on the lighter side if it is easier.  Consider how you were feeling the weeks prior to the break up.  

• Were you arguing a lot?  

• Was he distant?

• Was he open to communication?

• Did you find yourself making personal compromises while he made none?

No individual is perfect, and you may have made allowances for certain behaviors. You probably have negative behaviors that your husband was seemingly accepting of also.  That is true of most relationships. Quite often you were drawn to your husband because he accepted you. This is also the reason it hurts so bad when he leaves.

The one person who accepted you is now rejecting you. 

Your list should look something like this;

Things that annoyed me (snoring, lazy, no help around the house, inconsiderate of feelings)

Things that concerned me (lying, unaccountable time, unusual answers to simple questions) 

Things that compromised my health and/or safety (unsafe sexual behavior, violence, impulsive decisions) 

Now for balance, write down the positive. 

Things that made me smile (temperament, jokes, nice gestures) 

Things that made me feel committed (special events, pleasant surprises, dependability) 

Things that made me feel safe and secure (stability, intimacy, future plans) 

Don't make any decisions without making this FIRST!  Keep it with you; by the phone, in your purse, under your pillow. In the following weeks, when your partner calls, this is the first thing you should pick up.  

You can read the rest of this step and the other 4 in my e-book guide. If you have a question, please comment and share your experiences and tips.

What If He Comes Back

There is a possibility that after you have moved on and started living again, that your husband or boyfriend shows up at your door ready for a reconciliation.
You freak out.  What does this mean?  Is he for real?  What the hell has he been doing while, I haven't been calling, texting, or emailing him?  Is this saving yourself not your marriage information now useless.
NO, its not.  The early steps of moving on and saving yourself are invaluable to you.  Its the process of bouncing back after a devastating loss and focusing on your wants and needs not another persons.  Many times in these relationships, we end up sacrificing our dreams and lives for our husbands/boyfriends.


Back to the original premise -

He is back
He wants you
He is sorry
He promises not to ever leave you again

Should you believe him or should you kick him to the curb?

Three Tips to Determine Authenticity

1. Prove it - This man must prove his love for you in whatever act you deem necessary.  Whatever it is, that's up to you. You have all the power right now, so you may as well take advantage of it.  The test is to see how sincere he is about coming back.  If he balks, slam the door in his face, because he is not really interested in proving anything.

2. Renounce it - He has to get rid of the friends, hangouts and situations that allowed him or influenced him to leave.  That means no more hanging out with bad people in bad places.  He must show you that he has learned the error of his ways WITHOUT (this is key) you having to tell him those errors.  If you have to tell him what to renounce it doesn't count.  The lack of access and contact with you must make him see that whatever or whoever he left you for, does not compare to being without you.

3. Suggest Distance - Just because he is at your door, does not mean you have to let him in.  This man just left you and came back.  You are in no way obligated to take his story and his dirty laundry back.  By suggesting distance, you allow yourself to process things without his presence and you can gauge his behavior and his desire to be with you again. Take it as an extreme red flag if he can't handle some distance, particularly since he just left your for X amount of days.

Don't get me wrong, I support reconciliations and intact marriages.  Recognize that not all people need to be together.  DYRWYHB is an alternative to openly pursuing and taking a partner back who has left you.

 If he passes the test proceed with caution.  Many relationships and marriages can survive a break up if both parties are willing.  People make mistakes and second chances are not a bad choice.
If he doesn't pass the the test and your not sure what to do, re read my ebook - Do You Really Want Him Back?

3 Quotes for Starting Over - Post them to your mirror!

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - E.M. Forster


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson 


The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun.  - Napoleon Hill